blog

@excitalopram 07/22/2025, 7:31am

welcome to the blog

ive always wanted to have a blog, in an abstract sort of way. ive had a few, but ive never kept up with them.

i dont really know what will be here. a stream of consciousness, perhaps.

either way, youre on the blog, so i imagine youre here for it.

#introduction

@excitalopram 09/12/2025, 10:41am

i'm doing a lot better.

i know my last entry was a little dramatic, but it was mostly because of the not-taking-meds debacle. My boyfriend came down to visit, and he's pretty good at reminding me to take them - i fell a little bit out of the habit after he left, but it's just been a couple days, and i know i'll get back on the horse.

i leave for college in exactly seven days, and i'm nervoucited. mostly nervous, but that's probably because my mom keeps telling me all the ways it's gonna go wrong, and i'm autistic, so big change makes me feel all kinds of dread - there isn't really a bigger life change than packing up and moving across the country for college. i'm excited though. i think i'm gonna have a better time in college than i did in high school, and my dad thinks so too.

to-do

today

laundry
go through clothes - pack pile, keep pile, give away pile
check on job apps
clean bathroom
pay rest of college fees

my boyfriend helped me break up my massive to-do list into smaller ones for every day. he's been really sweet about all my mental breakdowns about this whole thing.

i got to try out my new wheelchair, while he was down, and it really helped. i only passed out a few times, and i only siezed once, not to mention how much more stuff i was able to do with him than when i was trying to walk. i really think it'll help, for college.

i'm a little worried about money, but i think i'll be able to figure it out.

#journal

@excitalopram 08/08/2025, 2:37am

for a really long time i felt like i was born to die. not in the lana del ray way, but the actively suicidal way. most days i dont feel like that anymore. tonight is rough.

i haven't really been taking my pills - any of them. i've missed my last two therapy appointments, too. its getting pretty bad. i dont know how to tell anyone.

there's a full bottle of oxycodone on my kitchen counter, because i just got my wisdom teeth taken out two days ago. i haven't touched it, because i know i've had addiction problems in the past, so taking opiods feels like a bad plan, and they gave me 800 miligram tylenol that takes the pain down to a dull roar anyway. i know if i took all those pills, i'd die.

i have things to look forward to - my friend's birthday is next week. we're all going out and doing something, and then having a sleepover at somebody's house that night. i can't kill myself before his birthday; i don't want to make it all about me, and i know he'd be upset. he doesn't have a lot of friends, and all our friends were my friends originally, so i don't know for sure that they'd stick with him after i died. it's gonna be hard enough on him when i leave for college.

my boyfriend's coming down next month - 26 days. and it's his birthday this month too. we've been together for four years. i can't do that to him before his birthday. and besides that, his tickets are nonrefundable. we're going to stay at my house for two nights, and it might be nice to have a happy memory in this place. the first day we're going to stay in town, and i want him to meet my friends. they're important to me, and he's important to me, so i want them to meet before i die. the day after, we're going up to a national park - he already has the airbnb booked, and he booked an all-terrain wheelchair for me in the park. he wants to see the mountains for his birthday. i can't take that away from him. he wouldn't go without me.

just a couple weeks after that, i leave for college. the ticket for that's nonrefundable too, and i've already started paying my fees. my boyfriend is excited to have someplace he can go at night that isn't his house. i can't take that away from him.

that's the way i function, for all of these. various 'i can't kill myself until'-s. it never lasts very long, once i start taking my pills again. i should take my antidepressants now. i can't. i don't know why. they're right next to me, sitting on the nightstand. it would take arguably less effort to take my antidepressants than type out this whole manifesto. i just can't. every time i try to talk about this with a therapist, they tell me to just take them. i can't. i don't know why.

i know when i take them i'll feel better. i always do. it took a while to figure out the meds that would actually work, but these do. i just can't. even though i know consciously that once i start taking them again, this will all go away, it just feels so permanent right now. what's even the point?

i don't even know. i'd like to take a shower, and then maybe take another crack at the antidepressants - maybe even open the pill organizer, this time, instead of just staring at it, but i think it's probably more likely that i'm gonna get in bed and maybe watch a tv show.

#vent